The anniversary of Katriel’s death was only a few days ago. It is a bittersweet time every year. She has been gone for 32 years but sometimes it still feels like yesterday that I held her in my arms. Some years are harder than others, and this one seemed to be one of the harder ones.
I’ve never really tried to avoid the grief. I know it would be futile. It’s not only an important emotion, but it also seems to be a part of my physical body. My body knows the day is coming long before my mind recognizes why everything seems to be just “off.” But this is where I need to tell you that everybody’s experience of grief is different. My experience of grief is different based on my relationship with the person that died, the circustances of their death, and to some extent the length of time since the death.
As you can imagine the grief immediately after Katriel’s death was intense and fairly debilitating. I kept putting one foot in front of the other, but just barely. I made sure my sons were fed, went to school, etc. but I was not fully present for any of it. This lasted for at least two years. Then I noticed one day that I was not thinking about her death. I immediately felt guilty for almost being happy for a minute or two.
Then, eventually I would be able to stay more focused in the present moment rather than in my grief and loss for a day or two at a time. Then it became weeks and months. But even then there were setbacks. Those usually came in the form of a holiday, anniversary date, or seeing someone else with a daughter that would have been her age. It also came with the dreaded question of “how many children do you have.” I still have setbacks, more than 30 years later, when we sing one of the hymns at church that we sang at her funeral. But now I don’t weep for days when that happens, just in the moment.
There seems to be some social expectation that we can “get over it” in 3-6 months and that it will be a steady progression forward. I say that’s garbage and the expectation itself makes grief even harder to deal with because you can end up feeling like there is something wrong with you if you experience something different. In my therapy practice I usually tell people that it takes a minimum of 1 year if you had any sort of close relationship with the deceased at all. You have to get through all of the anniversary dates and holidays at least once before you get comfortably “back to normal.”
That’s just one of my grief stories because this is one of the times of year when the events of her death are on my mind. I want you to know that it is ok to be sad that someone has died. It is ok to not be yourself. It is ok to just go through the motions for a while. Give yourself some grace and the time to “move forward” without the expectation that you will “get over it.”