Personal Growth Archives - Finding the Meaning in Everyday Life

Repeat the Work

Things are rarely one and done. Sometimes we have to repeat the work. I don’t know about you, but I find that fact really annoying. This is true for me whether we are talking about reps at the gym or playing the piano. It is also true about cleaning the house, doing the dishes, or using my stress management skills. In many areas I am aware of the need to create muscle memory through repetition. But even then, after I have “mastered” a skill or passage in a piece of music I know that that mastery will degrade over time if I don’t play it regularly. It usually isn’t completely gone, but I don’t play as easily until I’ve repeated it several more times.

I also get it where exercise is concerned. I know my body has to get used to a weight or distance through repetition. Then after a time I can go harder, heavier, or farther. If I skip very many workouts I lose a little bit of my progress and have to fight my way back up. Again….annoying.

My resistance is stronger in other areas of self development. I’ve written in other blog posts about my training in Reiki and Meridian Tapping. So if I’ve used Reiki or Tapping about a personal problem or situation once I seem to expect to never need to do it again. While there are people who report such amazing and long-lasting results, I find that sometimes things come up again but it a bit of a different context. I know that if I would do the work again I can resolve the issue in the moment, but still I resist to my own detriment. That doesn’t mean that the first time was a failure, but sometimes context is important.

I found references about the power of repetition such as Get Lighthouse, MasterClass, and Thunderhead Works. All of these sites have articles about repetition as a means toward mastery. I believe that is definitely true. Repeating the work can also lead to increased confidence. To repeat the work in the various aspects of daily living, it can also be an exercise in patience with oneself or situation, a practice of mindfulness in which we are actively aware of needs, and an exercise in controlling our own ego that tells us we don’t need to do the work “again.”

Remember, your needs change. Your situations change. Your body changes. Even your level of confidence can change. As those changes occur, consider repeating the work.

Expectations, Friend or Foe

“When the world doesn’t live up to our expectations, we rebel against its unfairness by turning to food.” – Jessica Ortner

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” – Donald Miller

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” – Bruce Lee

“That was the thing about the world: it wasn’t that things were harder than you thought they were going to be, it was that they were hard in ways that you didn’t expect.” – Lev Grossman

“Set the Standard! Stop expecting others to show you love, acceptance, commitment & respect when you don’t even show that to yourself.” – Steve Maraboli

“Life is not obligated to give us what we expect.” – Margaret Mitchell

Admittedly, these quotes, found all over on the internet, are probably taken out of context. However, I think each of them address this interesting challenge with expectations. In one context, understanding and stating our expectations can be quite helpful. In other contexts, expectations likely do more damage.

Expect has several different dictionary definitions, and that may explain some of the challenge. One definition is to consider probable or certain. How much difference do you think there is between probable and certain? If you consider an outcome certain and it doesn’t happen what is your response? Is it different than if you consider the outcome probable? It is for me.

A second definition is to consider something reasonable, due, or necessary. Again, if you think something is reasonable and then are disappointed your reaction is likely to be very different than if you think something is due to you. Or another definition, to anticipate or look forward to the coming or occurrence of something. What reaction do you experience when that doesn’t come or doesn’t occur? In all of these definitions there is considerable variability that largely derives from our own perceptions, beliefs, and ability to accurately evaluate the current situation.

I also found a definition that an expectation is to suppose or hold something as an opinion, belief, or assumption. This is where a lot of people get into trouble. Many people have difficulty differentiating between an opinion/belief and a fact. Just look around. You will see this everywhere.

We are often told to state our expectations clearly. This is a sound recommendation. Other people can’t read our minds, so being clear about our expectations can help. But stating your expectations, no matter how clear you are, won’t necessarily mean that they will be met. When your expectations are not met it can lead to feelings of disappointment, frustration, anger, betrayal, and mistrust. Other people have competing beliefs and expectations. It is important to ask yourself if these are your rules, red lines in the sand, or a statement of your wishes and desires.

Ask yourself these questions:

Are your expectations realistic? How do you know?

Does the other person have a free choice to respond? Do they have the right to disagree? or fail?

What will you do if the expectation is not met?

Are you stuck in a thought trap such as “life should be fair” or “people should agree with me?” What was the likelihood that I have over-estimated the probability of something?

Disappointment is certain. People will not always live up to your expectations. Situations you desire won’t always happen. You will not always be treated fairly. As most of us were told when we were growing up “life is not fair,” but we still expect it to be. People will sometimes break your trust. I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t state our expectations. I think it is essential for effective communication and relationships. What I’m suggesting is that we need to monitor our responses to disappointment when those expectations aren’t met. As you can see from the first quote above from Jessica Ortner, some people turn to self-destructive behaviors when our expectations aren’t met. Obviously overeating won’t change the fact that life isn’t fair. If our reactions are self destructive it is a pretty clear indicator that we have personalized the situation or other person’s behavior. This is usually not helpful.

I have lots of expectations of myself and others. I don’t always live up to my own expectations, but when I’m operating in mindfulness those failures are an opportunity to evaluate the expectations, relationships, and situations and don’t usually lead to self destructive behaviors. Even when I state my expectations people don’t always comply. While hard, it is generally beneficial to recognize their free will and that won’t always conform to my hopes, wishes, or desires. This strategy does remind me of my friend Zach who once very correctly and lovingly said to me, “It’s not always about you.”

Parla Come Mangi

I was introduced to this Italian idiom through the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I digress just to say that there are many hidden gems in that book. Although a search of the internet suggest some dispute about the actual meaning, both Ms. Gilbert and www.wordsense.eu offer that parla come mangi means speak the way you eat and is an invitation to use simpler and clearer language when speaking.

In my profession I talk to lots of people every day. One of the things I notice is that people make a big deal out of the things they are trying to tell me. They often resort to jargon or labels rather than simply saying what is on their mind or describing a situation. This generally complicates things. Parla come mangi often comes into mind as I listen to them. As in food, simple is often so much better.

When I pause to consider how or why this happens I land upon several possibilities. Perhaps the individual has been shaped to believe that what they have to say is unimportant and so try to use words, expressions, and descriptions that they believe might give their words more weight or importance. Another possible explanation is the saturation of labeling from social media. I have done this before desiring some sort of a short cut. I have also intentionally utilized medical jargon when interacting with other medical professionals to try to prevent them from talking down to me, a sort of elevating my believability if you will. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

I now strive to embrace the concept of parla come mangi in social communication. I also try to model it in in my psychotherapy work. There is much less chance of a chance for misunderstanding when I interact in that manner.

Showing Up

Showing Up is one of those expressions that seems to be used more now than ever before. Frankly, I’m not a fan. When I ask people what they mean when they say they want to “show up” they usually can’t really explain it. Labels and expressions such as this one seem to interfere with self expression and communication. Since most people I talk with can’t describe showing up I decided to dig into it a little bit more.

What does it mean to show up? At the most obvious level it means being in a specific place. Woody Allen is famously noted to say that 80-90% of life was just showing up. I don’t know for sure, but I think he was talking about this level of showing up. According to thesaurus.com synonyms for showing up include arrival, presence, manifestation, actualization, and emergence. Antonyms include departure, absence, leaving, and end. Melmagazine.com writes that showing up means doing what you say you will do and not flaking. OK. That wasn’t helpful. www.mindful.org may get a bit closer. They say that showing up means being intentional, open, and acting skillfully.

Team Tony (Tony Robbins) says that showing up is about participation. This includes being fully present and really being focused on the other person (in a relationship) instead of focusing on the past. I think we are getting even closer. Kaitlin Kindman LCSW, describes “showingupness” as reliability, empathy, care, intentionality, thoughtfulness, and embodiment of “just being there” that someone demonstrates.

So why are so many people using this expression? I suspect there are many different answers. One is that it is thrown around a lot on social media platforms and has just seeped into common discourse. Also, people are genuinely yearning for deeper connections with others as our lives become more distant and fragmented. If you are going to be in the same place at the same time and for a limited amount of time, you want it to really matter.

happy senior couple in love with bunch of fresh flowers in nature. showing up. — Photo by Gustavo Fring on Pexels.com

I think showing up could just as accurately, and possibly more accurately, be expressed with the words mindful and intentional. Instead of saying I want to show up, I could express that I want to engage with you fully and intentionally. I don’t let my mind wander to things from the past or skipping forward to concerns of the future. I want to be in the here and now and feel whatever is going on NOW.

One of the activities I use when working with therapy clients is the Personal Mission Statement. Clients frequently use this expression when writing their Mission Statements. In the personal mission statement exercise they often use showing up to mean not dwelling in the past or worrying about the future. People instinctively know that either of those is not the pathway to joy or contentment. Their answer lies in remaining fully present in the here and now. Although this can be difficult, the effort can be worth it.

Lifelong Learner

They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Bah Humbug. Poppycock. Rubbish. I am proud to call myself a lifelong learner. As an old dog, I am committed to learning new tricks in a variety of subjects.

I have spent a large part of my life in formal education. From kindergarten through graduate school I think the total is 22 years. In addition, there were many years of piano lessons, ballet lessons (very briefly), and martial arts lessons. I also took a few classes in conversational Japanese. One might think I would have tired of school but in reality I love learning and I love school. Currently I am taking lessons in Gaelic, choral composition, and voice. Based on my career path I also am required to do continuing education classes. I don’t necessarily include those in my personal definition of lifelong learning. Those classes aren’t based on my curiosity and desire to know and understand something. Instead those are based on what somebody else wants to me to know.

Lately I’ve seen quite a few articles on lifelong learning. Brian Fairbanks posted an article for Phoenix University (August 2021). He defined a lifelong learner as someone who seeks continuous development and improvement of knowledge and skills for employment and/or personal fulfillment. This would include both formal and informal learning opportunities. I’m focused on the personal fulfillment aspect at this stage of my life.

Emma Parkhurst, Extension Assistant Professor at Utah State University, wrote that lifelong learning may include returning to school, taking stand-alone workshops, or using an app to learn a new language or cooking skills. Emma also noted that the important component is that the activity is useful, interesting, meaningful, or enjoyable. I’m not sure how useful my Gaelic lessons are but they are definitely interesting and enjoyable.

Many articles cite benefits of lifelong learning. These often include:

increased self esteem
increased confidence
improved cognition and memory
decreased risk for dementia
increased social connection (expanded base of like-minded people)
positive feelings of accomplishment

That sure sounds good. I have noted several of these benefits, particularly the increased self esteem, increased social connection, and positive feelings of accomplishment. As for the decreased risk of dementia, I am an “old dog” so only time will tell about that.

Have you ever wanted to learn a language, explore cake decorating, play a musical instrument, or learn the tango? Why not give it a try? Join the ranks of lifelong learners. Experience the pleasure. Reap the benefits.

Overwhelm

Overwhelm is a word I hear a lot. In fact, I hear it often enough that I decided to explore it more in depth. If you look up overwhelm in the dictionary you will find 1) to affect (someone) very strongly, 2) to cause (someone) to have too many things to deal with, and 3) to defeat (someone or something) completely. Usually it involves all three of these meanings for most people I talk to.

When I ask what symptoms people associate with overwhelm, I hear decreased sleep, increased worry, fatigue, tearfulness, irritability, and intrusive thoughts. Those symptoms can be associated with many different feelings so they don’t set overwhelm apart from other emotions very well.

Factors that often contribute to this feeling can include having too many tasks. Excessively high standards, poor time mangement, inadequate mindfulness skills, or focus on another person’s evaluation of you can also contribute. This certainly suggests definitions 1 and 2.

Expectations of one’s self also may play into the feeling of overwhelm. The high standards or expectations mentioned above fit in this category too. I find that the words “should” and “shouldn’t” are the biggest contibutors. When these evaluations are present they really can drain a person’s resources and limit problem-solving skills. Many people have pretty rigid beliefs about how things should or shouldn’t be without being really clear about why. In fact, it is often just a preference.

Having weak boundaries can also contribute to feelings of overwhelm. People who self-identify as people-pleasers often have too many things to do and not enough time to do them because they haven’t learned to say no. They are also afraid to engage in the self-care that would increase their energy for tasks and overall resilience. Difficulty with prioritizing can also be a factor. If you look at your task list and see everything on it as the highest possible priority it would feel overwhelming.

When all of these things are considered it seems clear that the feeling comes from the inside but there may be outside factors. If the boss wants something NOW it likely impacts overwhelm. But if there is a confidence in one’s own ability to prioritize, set boundaries, and complete tasks it probably won’t be nearly as uncomfortable.

Other words people use to describe overwhelm include swamped, buried, flooded, saturated, overloaded, and engulfed. I was drawn to the words saturated and overloaded. Interestingly, saturated seemed to be from outside forces (although I acknowledge I have some control on what I let in). Overloaded seemed to be more internal for me. It is sometimes quite difficult for me to choose from the many things I like to do. I often take on more activities (because I really like them) than fit easily into my day.

When considering difficult to manage feelings it can be helpful to consider where you feel them in your body. This can be a great way to monitor how your coping skills are working since it makes the feeling more tangible. Does overwhelm feel like a knot in your shoulders? Maybe a pressure in your chest? Does it feel hot or cold? For those of you who know about tapping, it also is useful to use the bodily sensation as a focus for your tapping.

When you get down to it, the thoughts in your head that are associated with overwhelm generally are some variation of “I’m not enough” or that “I can’t handle it.” Those belief patterns come from so many different places. For me there is a childhood statement from a parent of “why can’t you be more like Lori.” Then there was a question about whether I deserved to be valedictorian since I was in chorus instead of advanced math. The media also perpetuates those feelings of not being enough for many people.

I would argue that for most of us the truth is really more like “I don’t want to handle this” or “I shouldn’t have to handle it.” This is an important thought pattern to explore and it can lead to solutions.

Speaking of solutions, here is a brief list of solutions you may want to try:

Planning – Break tasks into the smallest possible pieces and assign a time to do them.
Values clarification – Decide whether the competing tasks share a similar value for you. Do the things that are congruent with your highest values. (This isn’t always easy to figure out and it is ok to get professional help with any of these.)
Mindfulness – Practice your mindfulness skills. Then you can stay in the here and now rather than ruminating on the past or catastrophizing about the future.
Affirmations – Make statements of affirmation about your own ability to problem-solve, self worth, and intellect.
Tapping – Tapping is a great way to manage the feeling of overwhelm.
Self care – Set aside time (even a few minutes) to rest, relax, and renew. It will help you be more productive when there is an onslaught of activities.
Language-monitoring – Watch your language for should, shouldn’t, ought to, have to, etc. These are energy drainers and not helpful.
Choose your battles – There really will be times when it is not possible to do everything. You also might not be able to do everthing at your highest level.

“I Can’t” – A short rant

“I can’t”
“I don’t want to”
“I won’t”
“I shouldn’t have to”

I’m sure you have seen or heard me say this before, words have power. Many people use the above statements interchangeably and I believe it is to their own detriment. The statement, “I can’t” is particularly problematic. When I call people out on this they often dismiss their use of I can’t as trivial. Your brain stores this and over time it becomes true just by repetition. More accurate labeling of your emotion leads to better solutions and avoids the repetitive mislabeling.

Consider this, “I can’t take it any more.” What does that actually mean? Is there something that is implied but not stated? I often hear people using that statement when they are really meaning that they think they shouldn’t really have to do something or when they don’t want to experience something.

Not everyone will agree with me, but I think using I can’t instead of the other terms is a subconscious way, in many instances, to reject taking responsibility for whatever happens next. If I can’t do, tolerate, or handle something then I have more license to get mad, melt down, or avoid.

This isn’t always the case. There are times when I can’t is accurate. I really can’t bend my knee all the way. Multiple injuries and surgeries have rendered that an impossibility. I can’t handle scary movies is less true. More accurate for me would be I don’t want to watch scary movies because they make me uncomfortable and ruin my sleep.

The repeated use of I can’t can reinforce a victim mentality and disempower the user. What you practice will grow stronger. If you repeat something often enough, that belief will grow stronger. Perhaps it would be better to remember the Little Engine That Could. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. Or in some cases, I choose not to….I choose not to….I choose not to.

To Everything There is a Season

To Everything There is a Season. Whether that brings to mind the Biblical passage in Ecclesiastes or the song by The Byrds, those words ring particularly true to me right now. Change! I am definitely in a season of change, and as a result, so is this blog. Perhaps this is a gift from the pandemic, or possible something even more personal. Either way, I am often contemplating what I want from this current stage of my life.

The blog was originally started to help promote my business and my books but my focus is shifting. Now I think I would like to provoke contemplation, personal growth, and hopefully discussion. I plan to continue to share reviews of books, information, tapping videos, and opinions on mental health topics. I also plan to share the musings of my daily life with topics ranging from music to aging. You might even see pictures of nature’s wonders.

Change is not always comfortable for me and there may be some growing pains along the way. I’m choosing to embrace them as much as possible.

I’d love to hear from you about the topics you are most interested in as I start this new journey.

getting ready to exercise in a season of change — Here we go….

Anxiety – A Misleading Word

I have written about this before, but I believe anxiety is a misleading word. Anxiety has turned into a catch-all label for emotions and often interferes with finding solutions. If I say I am anxious for my sister’s wedding, what does that mean? Does it suggest that I am experiencing chest pain and shortness of breath, that my sister is probably marrying a serial killer, that I am nervous about finding the right words for the toast, or perhaps that I am anticipating feeling embarrassed because I don’t know how to dance and there could be dancing at the reception? When someone labels all of these things as anxiety it tells them that a) something is wrong with them and b) that they can stop trying to be more specific about their thoughts emotions, and behaviors.

image showing the ripple effect for the word anxiety.

Professionally I have found it a very difficult pattern to break. People actually seem comforted by having a label for what they are feeling that allows them to avoid going deeper. If you read my previous article, Practice Makes Perfect, you can see why this might be a problem. Continually labeling physical, emotional, and cognitive symptoms as anxiety creates a brain superhighway called anxiety that then includes any indigestion, frustration, or anger that wants to hitch a ride. If instead a person who was able to engage in the introspection to determine that they feel a fluttery feeling in their chest when faced with unclear work expectations, fearing a high likelihood of guessing wrong and getting reprimanded, the situation is limited in scope and more easily treated.

I don’t want to appear to be blaming the emotionally upset person for their plight. This is a much broader societal issue that includes lazy communication skills, a preference for labels over individuality, and a victim role that is present in our society. Examples are everywhere in electronic social media.

So what can you do?

Choose your words carefully. The words we use DO make a difference in how you and others think and feel. Are you eager for something? Say so. Don’t put in the word anxious. Are you feeling jittery? Say so. Are you terrified? Say so. How many words can you identify that would accurately substitude for the word anxious?
Try to avoid saying “I am” anxious. Instead, try to say “I feel” or “I notice.” I feel suggests something that is time limited whereas I am suggests that it is permanent and unchangeable. These messages you are sending to yourself via thoughts and words are important.
Step out of helplessness and victimization. Except in the rare circumstance, the emotions and thoughts are not happening TO YOU. You are not required to just accept whatever thought or feeling comes into your head. I want to be clear — your feelings are not wrong, but they also are not permanent. You can actively change your thoughts and engage in activities that will change your situation.

My older son, at a very early age, was able to tell his grandfather, “I not bad, it’s my ‘havior.” We all can take a lesson from this and say, “I’m not anxious, it’s just my thoughts or feelings.”

I Can’t Adult Today

There is a lot to unpack in that statement. Say it aloud, “I can’t adult today.” Lets start with I can’t. That is probably inaccurate. At least in my case, the more accurate statement would be either I choose not to or I would prefer not to.

Then, there is the word adult. What does that mean anyway? A dictionary definition is …having attained full size and strength. While that could be debated based on my height, I’m as tall and strong as I’ll probably ever be again. An alternate definition is mature. Wow! Mature can mean fully developed physically or showing the mental and emotional qualities of an adult. This is another fuzzy definition. When I consider the original phrase I can’t adult today it is the second definition that most likely applies. I interpret this to mean that I don’t want to exhibit the amount of wisdom, intellect, and emotional control I would expect from an adult.

The statement then could read…I would prefer not to make decisions, think through problems, face challenges, or regulate my emotions.

Today. The implication is that this is a time-limited problem. I might be ok doing it tomorrow, next week, or next year. This is somewhat hopeful but might be better expressed as….in this moment and under these circumstances.

Put it all together:

I choose not to make decisions, think through problems, face challenges, or regulate my emotions in this moment and under these circumstances.

This has a totally different feel to it, doesn’t it?