psychology Archives - Finding the Meaning in Everyday Life

Humility

One of the lessons I am learning as an adult student of both composition and voice is humility. This humility is necessary in order to set aside any excess pride or superiority that can interfere with my learning. That isn’t always comfortable. Some definitions of humility include.

A modest or low view of one’s own importance
Freedom from pride or arrogance
The feeling or attitude that you have no special importance that makes you better than others
Not believing you are superior to others

While I believe all of these definitions are accurate, they don’t fully capture my experience as an adult learner. Then I found a description that was more illuminating. It said that people who are humble can still think highly of themselves, but are also aware of their mistakes, gaps in knowledge, and imperfections. This awareness of mistakes, gaps in knowledge, and imperfections has been very important in my current student status.

Jeff Boss at Forbes.com (3/1/25) wrote that humble people are confident and competent in themselves so much that they can help others. They don’t feel the need to boast but let their actions speak for their ideals. They don’t feel the need to show others how much they know. Humble people actively listen to others, and they are eager to understand others because they are curious. They are perpetual learners and realize that they don’t have all of the answers. Also, they glean knowledge from the experiences of others and crave more opportunities to learn. They accept feedback, assume responsibility, and they ask for help.

When I am able to engage in this manner I find that I am able to focus my attention on learning rather than trying to prove how much I already know, a practice that interferes with learning. It is also sometimes very difficult for me to ask for help. Unfortunately this has been my default mode for most of my life and now I’m trying to fill in the gaps in knowledge that resulted.

So what can we do to show up ready for learning in this way? I think the first step is to take a good look at your reasons for being in the situation. Are you there to get praise or acknowledgement for your brilliance or are you there to expand your knowledge? What behavior or attitude will help you most to achieve your goal. Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE praise and validation. But I learn the most when I don’t let that be what motivates my behavior.

The second step may be to identify where your areas of weakness might be as well as how willing you are to be vulnerable enough to show those areas of weakness to the person(s) that are trying to teach you something. For me that is sometimes not at all vulnerable and other times I can choose to be extremely open. This does not always feel comfortable, but with a trusted mentor or teacher, it can be so extremely effective.

Give it a try.

Responsibility

The New Oxford American Dictionary defines responsibility in several ways. The two most relevant to this post include:

1. the state or fact of having a duty to deal with something or of having control over someone

2. a moral obligation to behave correctly toward or in respect of: individuals have a responsibility to control personal behavior.

In Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Steven C. Hayes, Ph.D., the term is broken down into “response” and “ability.” The concept is that it involves an ability to respond and has nothing to do with blame. One may not always be able to respond to a situation, but they can still respond to the pain it might have caused.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. also uses the idea of response-ability, describing the capacity to choose and remembering to be in charge and make careful and thoughtful choices. This is the ability to respond to life without placing blame upon one’s self.

Why is this distinction important? Many people confuse taking responsibility with assigning blame. Blame is disempowering or victimizing. Taking responsibility, in part or in whole, for what is actually mine is empowering. Am I responsible for an approaching hurricane? Of course not. Am I responsible for making decisions about how I’m going to deal with it? Absolutely.

Another reason why this distinction is important is that people feel responsible for the feelings, actions, and situations of others. I’m not suggesting that there isn’t some aspect that may be mine to manage or respond to, but I only have limited response-ability. Other people maintain the right to be wrong, make mistakes, interpret comments, and respond with their own feelings. I’m not response-able for those. Can I learn to be careful with my speech? Yes, to some extent. But, the choice still belongs to the other person about how to interpret what I’ve said and it often involves patterns from the past that I cannot predict or control.

I find it important to check if my sense of “responsibility” is really located in the present moment rather than a worry about the future or a carry-over from the past. Then, if it is in the present moment, I actually ask myself if the current concern is really within the area of my own “hula hoop.” Is it that close to me? Can I do anything with it? Is it really someone else’s response-ability rather than mine? Then, I can choose my response. If any of those questions suggest that this issue isn’t really mine, I can interrupt the tendency to blame and shame.

Boundary setting is an important part of this process. If my boundary is punctuated by gates that I control it will be helpful when considering my response-ability. If my boundary is open, without gates that I control, it is very tempting to take ownership of someone else’s responsibility even if there is no response-ability on my part.

The basic question for me is always, “Does this belong to me and is there a way that I can reasonably respond.”

Anxiety – A Misleading Word

I have written about this before, but I believe anxiety is a misleading word. Anxiety has turned into a catch-all label for emotions and often interferes with finding solutions. If I say I am anxious for my sister’s wedding, what does that mean? Does it suggest that I am experiencing chest pain and shortness of breath, that my sister is probably marrying a serial killer, that I am nervous about finding the right words for the toast, or perhaps that I am anticipating feeling embarrassed because I don’t know how to dance and there could be dancing at the reception? When someone labels all of these things as anxiety it tells them that a) something is wrong with them and b) that they can stop trying to be more specific about their thoughts emotions, and behaviors.

image showing the ripple effect for the word anxiety.

Professionally I have found it a very difficult pattern to break. People actually seem comforted by having a label for what they are feeling that allows them to avoid going deeper. If you read my previous article, Practice Makes Perfect, you can see why this might be a problem. Continually labeling physical, emotional, and cognitive symptoms as anxiety creates a brain superhighway called anxiety that then includes any indigestion, frustration, or anger that wants to hitch a ride. If instead a person who was able to engage in the introspection to determine that they feel a fluttery feeling in their chest when faced with unclear work expectations, fearing a high likelihood of guessing wrong and getting reprimanded, the situation is limited in scope and more easily treated.

I don’t want to appear to be blaming the emotionally upset person for their plight. This is a much broader societal issue that includes lazy communication skills, a preference for labels over individuality, and a victim role that is present in our society. Examples are everywhere in electronic social media.

So what can you do?

Choose your words carefully. The words we use DO make a difference in how you and others think and feel. Are you eager for something? Say so. Don’t put in the word anxious. Are you feeling jittery? Say so. Are you terrified? Say so. How many words can you identify that would accurately substitude for the word anxious?
Try to avoid saying “I am” anxious. Instead, try to say “I feel” or “I notice.” I feel suggests something that is time limited whereas I am suggests that it is permanent and unchangeable. These messages you are sending to yourself via thoughts and words are important.
Step out of helplessness and victimization. Except in the rare circumstance, the emotions and thoughts are not happening TO YOU. You are not required to just accept whatever thought or feeling comes into your head. I want to be clear — your feelings are not wrong, but they also are not permanent. You can actively change your thoughts and engage in activities that will change your situation.

My older son, at a very early age, was able to tell his grandfather, “I not bad, it’s my ‘havior.” We all can take a lesson from this and say, “I’m not anxious, it’s just my thoughts or feelings.”