When I first published this article several years ago the title was I’ve Been Such A Good Girl – I think I’d like to poison myself today. That title sounds very provocative doesn’t it? But that is exactly what I was doing almost every day. I would reward myself for good behavior with substances that poison my body and strengthen the cravings for that poison. If I was good I would reward myself with ice cream. Although I learned to eat smaller portions, it was still essentially a poison in my body. If I had been really good I would reward myself with a slice of carrot cake from my favorite gluten free bakery. OK, it was gluten free, but it still had so many calories that it was bad for by body and my health. In addition, once I would eat it I was out of control for the rest of the day.
While I no longer look forward to opportunities to hurt my body, I have slipped back into the habit of thinking of unhealthy foods as rewards or eating larger portions than my body can handle. There are so many “diets” out there that build in opportunities for unhealthy indulgences. While that may help to overcome the feelings of deprivation that derail so many eating plans, it still doesn’t address the obsession with certain foods and messed up priorities. (Such as ice cream being more important than health.)
Its not like I’ve ever been really hungry and am reacting to that memory of hunger with overindulgence. I’m not hoarding food because I am preparing for a day of famine. Someday I hope to wake up from the nightmare of food addiction. It would be so cool to just eat when I’m hungry, eat the food my body needs, and stop looking forward to opportunities for unhealthy food.
I did pretty well for the last several years until a period of very high physical and emotional stress knocked me out of balance and I found myself again craving foods that I know are not in my best interest. I haven’t started eating foods that I am allergic to, but those unhealthy foods that I am not officially allergic to have crept back into my pantry and my body. I fell prey to the “anything in moderation” wisdom that is so prevalent.
The truth – at least my truth – is that I can’t handle eating some foods. They change how I feel, how I think, and how my body functions. If you share this experience I’d love to hear from you.