confidence Archives - Finding the Meaning in Everyday Life

Saying No

“No is a full sentence.” ~ Jessica Ortner

Most people I know struggle with saying no. We often feel that we must give an explanation, particularly if we are giving what seems to be an answer that might upset or disappoint someone. The reality is that NO is a full sentence. It is ok to offer an explanation if you want to. It is less helpful if you feel an explanation is required. Have you ever said yes when you wanted to say no, primarily because you didn’t want to tell someone why you were saying no? I have.

There may be multiple reasons why we are uncomfortable saying no. The first one that pops into my head is the response 2-year-olds get when they say no to adults. I can’t think of a single example when the adult (including me) didn’t immediately ask why. We have been programmed from an early age to explain so that we don’t get in trouble. And that explanation really needed to be a good one. Admittedly, although I’m working on it, I still have a tendency to ask why when someone tells me no. More often than not, but not always, it stems from curiosity rather than entitlement these days.

Offering an excuse or explanation before being asked can be an attempt to do an end run around the potential for conflict. This may include a belief that our reasons are not valid or acceptable, or a belief that other people’s feelings are far more important than our own. Habit? Sometimes low self worth? Often necessary? Not always.

It bears repeating, it is ok to explain a reason if it adds anything to the situation. Let it be purposeful. This requires mindfulness about the situation and one’s own motivations and emotional responses. I don’t really recommend that you walk through your life just saying no. Life is often more fulfilling if you say yes frequently. I do recommend that you begin to say no without explanation to people that you are not really close to since they won’t have any real expectations about how you generally operate. When this gets more comfortable try some people that know you well, but that you feel safe with. Notice what happens.

Why is this important? It is important since it contributes to a strong sense of self worth and confidence that will enhance how you interact with the world and other people. Go ahead. Get in touch with your inner toddler. NO!

What Do You Believe You Are Capable Of?

You may have already read my book review of Jump Ship by Josh Shipp. As I mentioned in that review, the book offers much more than guidance for changing careers. There are many gems hidden in the pages that have potential for profound life-changing “ah ha” moments. One of them is this question, “What do you believe you are capable of?”

Those 8 words stopped me in my tracks. I re-read them several times. What do I believe I am capable of? It sounds like a lot of ego, but I have always believed I was capable of great things. There has always been a burning desire to do something big, something that mattered, something remarkable. I honestly don’t know where that came from. I don’t remember being told that I could do something important. Actually, I remember being told from a variety of sources that I wasn’t anything special. There were those warnings that “pride goeth before a fall”, that I was acting “too big for my britches”, and many other quaint but powerful statements that suggest that “I am not all that.”

I heard them. Believe me, I definitely heard them. And there were times that I didn’t attempt something because I also, on some level, believed them. Little things, like not being one of the senior superlatives in high school also caused me to question and doubt. There were many comments and experiences to help balance some of this out. I received many accolades for being smart. My musical talent was almost always praised. And boy could I water ski for such a little kid. So while there were individual ups and downs in my confidence level at certain points in my life, that tiny little spark never went out.

It was that tiny spark that has allowed me to continue pushing through the tough times and continue striving for something better. So what do I believe I am capable of? I’m still not sure. Words like “anything” and “almost anything” come to mind but are quickly silenced by the doubts of other people that still ring in my ears. So, I chose to revise the question to “what do I want to be capable of?” That seemed like an easier place to start. In the context of Jump Ship I want to be capable of making a living as an author.

Next in the Jump Ship process is the internal review process. OK, so I want it – but do I BELIEVE IT? That is TBD. After writing and publishing the last two books I have discovered just how much is really involved in becoming an author. It isn’t as simple as just writing some pages of text and voila, you are an author. My third book has been sitting in the wings, almost complete for more than two years. On my white board over my desk I have written “Authors Must Write” in big bold letters to remind me what I must do to accomplish this.

So my expanded set of questions includes, “Am I capable of coming up with the ideas, capable of editing, capable of promoting, able to tolerate rejection, and all of the other things that go along with it?” So far I’ve found that I am certainly better prepared for some of these tasks than others, and I enjoy doing some of these tasks much more than I enjoy others.

I do believe Josh Shipp’s premise that you have to BELIEVE in order to really ACHIEVE your dreams. So what about you? What do you believe you are capable of?

Book Review – The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss and Body Confidence

OK. I’ll admit it. It was hard for me to read The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss & Body Confidence: a Woman’s Guide to Stressing Less, Weighing Less, and Loving More by Jessica Ortner. It was even harder for me to like it. But honestly – its great. I feel the need to explain, I had just written and published a book on tapping and weight loss too when her’s came out called Don’t Diet: Reprogramming Your Weight With Meridian Tapping. I was definitely feeling defensive and believed that the release of her book would have a negative impact on my book. Actually it might have, but that’s not really the point. I did what I try to always do when I have negative emotions – I started tapping.

Once I had tapped enough to feel comfortable that there is room enough in this world for two books on tapping and weight loss I dove in. You might even say that I “devoured” it. It is written in the same charismatic style that all of the materials from The Tapping Solution are written in. It would be hard to resist smiling at the all-too-honest accounts of self-doubt, overindulgence (food and guilt) and insecurity that Jessica shares. I definitely could relate.

The tapping examples were fantastic, although I would have preferred a few more. The book design and page layout are enviable. The quotes were inspirational and the stories of real women and their struggles were motivational. If there are any negatives (and I’m not sure that there are) one would be the title. There are so many words on the cover that it was difficult to know what the title was without turning to the copyright page. Also, the topic of self-sabotage or psychological reversal was not highlighted as much as I might have expected given the type of challenge being addressed.

Will I read it again? Already did.

Will I recommend it to others? Absolutely. Have even bought copies for gifts.

The book is attractive, informative, inspirational, and potentially life changing.