Category: Personal Growth

Back To Basics

It is time for me to get back to basics. Allow me to explain. I have not been feeling well, have been gaining weight at a very rapid rate, and have just not been happy in spite of many positive things happening in my life. I’ve tried analyzing my situation, tried just forcing my way though, and for a brief period even tried to ignore it. I’ve shared little pieces of this on my blog, but I haven’t even written an article for a while. None of that has worked, so it’s back to basics.

There are some obvious contributing factors including my current job. Since beginning this job 3 years ago my health has declined due to the increased sedentary work, no longer having the option to work out at lunch consistently, and generally feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. There is the other obvious factor that each year I get a little older. I really don’t bounce back as quickly as I used to from stress, illness, or injury.

Back to Basics

  1. Read. I have a few “go-to” books that can inspire better self care. My list for the next few weeks includes 1) Go Wild by John Ratey and Richard Manning, 2) Innercise by John Assaraf, 3) The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss and Body Confidence by Jessica Ortner, and 4) Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Wayne Dyer. I have read each of these multiple times and they inspire me.
  2. Walk. When I first moved here I walked 2x a day. Religiously – rain, snow, heat, dark. I committed to it and didn’t let anything deter me. It wasn’t always easy and sometimes I only walked for a few minutes and other times I walked for hours. My dogs went with me. Sometimes I had to use a flashlight. I have continued to park pretty far away from my building to work in some extra steps but I rarely go for a walk. I am committing to walking 2x a day beginning today. I already got one walk in at lunch and it felt great. I was amazed at how good it felt to be outside in the middle of my work day. I know I won’t always be able to go outside to walk, but am shooting for at least 50% of my walks to be outside. I’m not setting a time limit/requirement. My only commitment right now is to get started.
  3. Eat only foods that make me feel good physically. I really do know what foods make me feel great and what foods make me feel awful. Unfortunately, the foods that make me feel awful do give me a bit of a brief emotional lift. That feeling doesn’t last and is rarely worth it. While many people preach moderation, I have been trying that unsuccessfully. With many foods, once I start I can’t stop.
  4. Return to pampering myself. When I was having more success with my weight and health I was practicing some pretty “intensive” (by my terms) self care. I was getting regular massages, getting manicures and pedicures, and engaging in activities just for the fun of them. I visited museums and exhibits, and I spent time in nature. Almost all of those things have fallen away and now when I get massages they aren’t really for relaxation, but instead to remedy some physical ailment. While that needs to continue, I need to be aware of the pampering time too.
  5. Schedule management. I have so many wonderful things going on in my life. It is often difficult to prioritize. The reality is that too many wonderful things can also become stress. I don’t know
    if I will really drop any of my activities, and am actually considering a new one, but am increasing my mindful participation in each of them instead of letting my mind drift to the things I’ve done in the past or the upcoming demands.
  6. Bloom where I’m planted, but change “gardens” (work) as soon as possible. I’ve already started transitioning to a new “garden” and love it. Just knowing there is a plan in place is beneficial to me. The choice to stay in my current “garden” for a short while longer is just that, a choice. I’m no longer stuck. I’m trading a small portion of time in a less than desirable position for some financial security while making the transition. Unpleasant? Yes. The best choice right now? Probably. Set in stone? Definitely not.

Many people wait until the new year to make resolutions and I was tempted to do that too. But I feel awful now. The new year is pretty far away. So Carpe Diem. Back to Basics.

Do you have some “Back to Basics” that would benefit you right now? Please share.

Choose Your Thoughts Wisely

swimming

I do believe that it is important to choose your thoughts wisely. And yes, you can choose. Today while swimming I had the opportunity to practice choosing my thoughts. I wish I could have tapped at the time, but swimming and tapping at the same time exceeds my coordination skills. I went to the gym today, expecting it to be empty since it was July 4th. It was quite surprising to see that it was packed, but then relieved that the pool wasn’t.

I swam in one lane for a while. When the person in the lane next to me left, I moved over to the middle lane (my favorite). I was on lap 22 when I saw another woman swimming in MY LANE. I’m used to sharing, but I don’t really enjoy it. Usually swimmers at least let you know that they are joining your lane. It seems like a safety and courtesy thing to me. I didn’t know she was there until we almost crashed.

That started a cascade of negative thinking. Why did she have to pick my lane when there was room to join a different lane? She is rude. It got really personal like she did it just to make me miserable. Then, I remembered something my friend Zach said to me once. He told me that not everything was about me. Remembering that comment caused me to re-evaluate how I was thinking about this situation.

I started with a statement of gratitude (in my head because I still had my face in the water swimming) that I had been given the opportunity to swim 22 laps without needing to share my lane. Then I chose another statement of gratitude that I am able to swim 22 laps and general gratitude for my health. Another gratitude statement about being able to afford to go to a gym that has a pool where I can swim popped in too.

As soon as I started feeling good about myself that I was able to turn my thoughts around, those other negative thoughts popped back in. This pattern continued for all 33 laps. When I was purposely engaged in the positive thoughts I enjoyed my swim but when I allowed the negative thoughts to linger I did not. While I wish that the negative thoughts didn’t even occur, I am pretty excited to have had the experience of feeling good when I choose my thoughts wisely. Just imagine how effective it would have been if I was also tapping while choosing my thoughts. Mind Blowing!

What thoughts will you choose today?

Need to learn more about tapping? Click here.

Tappable Offenses

What are tappable offenses? While calling it that may not sound particularly kind or loving, I want to catch myself in tappable offenses, defined as those things I say to myself that limit who I am or what I can be. A tappable offense almost always begins with the words “I am” or “I am not.” These words have amazing power and work at the subconscious level, which is estimated to be somewhere between 80-95% of all of the processing that goes on in our brains.

The term tappable offense doesn’t feel negative to me. It acknowledges that I have said something to or about myself that is “offensive” and that it is tappable. That means that I can do something about it. It is also very positive when I can actually catch them rather than let those negative limiting beliefs run unchecked through my subconsious for very long.

Once I noticed how often I do this, I decided to make a list (in my tapping journal) and wanted to share a few of them with you to inspire you on your own transformational journey.

  1. I am too old
  2. I am not a technie
  3. I am stupid
  4. I am an introvert so I can’t do that
  5. I am not wealthy
  6. I am tired
  7. I am not pretty
  8. I am not fast (related to swimming)
  9. I am too fat
  10. I am lazy
  11. I am too short
  12. I am stuck in my job
  13. I am never going to achieve my goals
  14. I am too anxious to put myself out there
  15. I am unlovable

That list was generated with negative self-statements I made within just 2 short days about myself. I am often able to devise a counterargument for some of them pretty quickly. However, the fact that the statements showed up means that on some level they are true for me at least some of the time.

In their present form, they represent wonderful problem statements, aka most pressing issue (MPI) to start of some rounds of tapping. Make a list of your own, and write it down WITHOUT JUDGING. Then make 3 columns. In one column write down all of the proof that your problem statement is true. Include past experiences that you believe support this position. Then in the second column write down all of the evidence, including experiences, in which this problem was not true. If you are like most people the second list will be shorter than the first.

In the third column, write down all of the thoughts, feelings, and experiences that you would like to have that could prove that the MPI is untrue in the future. Describe your hopes and desires for how you might handle any of the past situations if they would happen again in the future (words like grace and dignity popped into my mind). Then, start tapping.

You can make your setup statement by tapping on the karate chop point and stating your problem statement, followed by the words “I deeply and completely love and accept myself” or “I am open to new thoughts, feelings, and experiences.” After you have done that 3 times while tapping on the karate chop point you can begin the tapping rounds.

You can use the things in the first column of your list as you tap through the points as many times as it takes for the problem statement to start feeling less true. Then alternate the first and second column “proof” as you continue to tap through the points. Once you are pretty sure that you have erased this issue from your negative and limiting beliefs library, tap through the points again using the things that you wrote in column three.

I plan to put together some videos that address some of the issues I included earlier on my list soon. If you have specific issues you would like to have a tapping script for, just ask. Stay tuned.

Happy Tapping

Need to learn more about tapping? Click here.

Overcommitted and Overwhelmed

Feeling overcommitted, and therefore overwhelmed, is a common problem and one I struggle with off and on. Sometimes people are totally incapable of saying no to the requests of others or limiting the number of activities that they schedule into a day. Sometimes it might seem rude to say no because the person asking you to do something has done so much for you in the past. You might see it as a golden opportunity and you are fearful that you might not get the opportunity ever again, so you need to jump on it now. Guilt is often a strong factor as well. Tapping can help you gain clarity about the problem and can bring relief.

Say this problem statement aloud, “I am overcommitted. There are way too many demands on my time.” Rate the intensity on the 0-10 point scale and record your rating.

illustration for karate chop point

Setup (karate chop point) – Even though I am overcommitted and there are way too many demands on my time, I know in my heart that I am a good person, with or without all of these commitments. Even though I am overcommitted, and the stress of too many things to do is getting to me, I choose to remember that I can stop any of them at any time. Even though I am overcommitted, and I don’t know how to limit the demands on my time, I deeply and completely love and accept myself and all of my reasons for getting into this situation.

diagram of the tapping points

Eyebrow…I am overcommitted

Side of Eye…Every minute of my day seems scheduled and full

Under the Eye…There isn’t any time for me

Under the Nose…There isn’t any time for anything unplanned or unexpected

Chin…I have said yes to so many things

Collarbone…But they seemed like a good idea at the time

Under the Arm…Now I don’t know what to do about it all

Top of Head…And I really feel like I need a break

Eyebrow…I don’t want to disappoint others by saying no

Side of Eye…I don’t want to miss out on opportunities

Under the Eye…There really are a lot of things I need to do

Under the Nose…There really are a lot of things I want to do

Chin…I am open to clarity about my need to schedule so many things

Collarbone…I am open to understanding what it would take to make me feel better right now

Under the Arm…So I can move forward to health and happiness

Top of Head…I am looking forward to making choices that are good for me.

Take a deep breath and let it out. Check the intensity of your original problem statement, “I am overcommitted. There are too many demands on my time.” Record your new rating. This is a tapping that often brings up additional thoughts, feelings, or memories. Be sure to write them down and continue tapping with them until your intensity rating is very low.

Want more tapping ideas? Check out Tap It Away: 10 Minutes to Freedom With EFT.


Keeping My Word

In general, keeping my word isn’t a terribly hard thing for me, at least not the way I have interpreted that before.  Tao Te Ching: The Definitive Edition by Jonathan Star verse 8 includes, When speaking, be truthful.  In that sense keeping my word is about telling the truth.  The context surrounding the statement seems to be pointing to more than avoiding lies. It seems to be about being in harmony with truth, not just following a rule.

Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life by Wayne DyerIn Dr. Wayne Dyer’s book, Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao, the translation is Stand by your word.  This seems to call for even more personal integrity and elicits many more questions and poses more pitfalls. It would even be easy to get bogged down in this (and I did) with questions like, “can’t I ever change my mind?” or “does that leave any room for spontaneity?”, or even “everybody lies sometimes.”

After tapping and meditating on this for a while I have come to believe that this statement, like much of the Tao, isn’t about behavior as much as it is about who we are at the core. It doesn’t mean that I can’t ever tell somebody I’m going to do something and then decide that I can’t or don’t want to do it. It means that if I have committed to doing something I then need to speak the truth to the person about why I am no longer going to do it. I’m not going to blame someone or something else, make an excuse, avoid, or simply not follow through.

Not only can tapping be useful for gaining a deeper understanding of a text like this one, it can also be quite valuable in changing the way you feel after having gained the insight. I was flooded with memories of all of the times that I have made excuses, heaped blame, and therefore devalued my own word.  The emotion resulting from all of those memories have been responding well to tapping. In addition, tapping has helped when I’m tempted to lie, distort the truth, or make excuses.

There are many reasons why we choose not to be truthful or not stand by our word.  Are you afraid that you won’t make the sale, get what you want/need, or win the approval of others?  TAP!

It Will Be Difficult

Excuses Be Gone by Wayne Dyer book coverIt will be difficult is one of the excuses identified in Excuses Be Gone, a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer and published by Hay House in 2009. I can’t even begin to count the number of times I have personally used this one.  It has also been a favorite for many of my patients over the years.  People (myself included) very often can cite all of the reasons why they want to do a particular thing or why they should make a particular change. If I’m in a good mood, feeling full of energy, and feel that the person is highly motivated (again, including myself), my initial response to the excuse will be “so what?” Why does something being difficult mean that I shouldn’t or couldn’t do it? When I have actually asked that question people have looked at me like I’m crazy.

There seems to be an unspoken maxim that states that one should never try to do something if it will be difficult. Sometimes it is difficult to imagine, but the opposite might also be true OR, it could actually be easy.  Without a crystal ball it is pretty hard to tell. I might know that something was difficult for me last time or that it was difficult for someone else, but I can never know for sure that something will be difficult this time. It may not be very helpful to jump to that assumption.

If we apply Dr. Dyer’s paradigm for managing the excuse it might include asking

Q – Is it true? Will it be difficult?

A – Probably not.

Q – Where did the excuse come from?

A – I allowed it

Q – What is the payoff?  How does this excuse help me?

A – I( get to avoid risks and stay the same.

Q – What would my life look like if I couldn’t use this excuse?

A – I’d be able to really be myself

Q – Can I create a rational reason to change?

A – Yes

My paradigm for addressing the excuse is similar but also includes tapping (not a surprise I’m sure.)

Q – Where did this excuse come from?

A – Start tapping (tap through the points, changing to the next one whenever it diagram of the tapping pointsfeels right) and let your thoughts flow freely while you try to answer this question. This might include becoming aware of what you are feeling, when you have used this excuse before, and how it feels when you use it.  Get as specific as you can about the excuse, the purpose of the excuse, and the desired outcome of the excuse.

Q – Was there a time that this excuse helped or protected me?

A – The answer is probably yes. Now keep tapping and get specific, remembering the instances in which the excuse was somehow beneficial to you. Try not to get caught up in self-judgment or blame. View the events as if they were a movie or as if you are seeing it happening in the distance and keep tapping.

Q – What am I afraid would happen if I drop this excuse?

A – You will get better results if you can suspend self-judgment about having used this excuse before.  As you found out with the previous step, you developed this excuse for a reason.  Now continue tapping and take a look at the fear or anxiety that entices you to keep using the excuse and perhaps re-evaluate its usefulness to you.

Q – What would be the benefit of eliminating this excuse?

A – Start Tapping.  All things have pros and cons. Now is the time to look at the positive side of eliminating the excuse.  Your results will be best if you can get very specific and get a clear vision of what things might be like on the other side of the fence if you eliminate the excuse.  Remember, the grass is supposed to be woman jumping over the fencegreener on the other side so focus your energy on all of the good things awaiting you if you jump over the fence without the excuse.

If you decide to keep the excuse, please do so without self-blame or regret. You now understand your own motivations and decisions. If you decide to let go of the excuse, congratulations. Now you know that what you are contemplating may actually be easy.  You have also gained awareness of your own ability to do things that are difficult.

Seeing Red

Fist hitting red objectEveryone knows the feeling of anger.  Who hasn’t experienced “seeing red” at least a few times in their life?  What else do you know about anger?  Try this quiz and see how you do.

 

 

1. True or False – Anger is a good warning signal letting you know that you need to take some sort of action.

2. True or False – Anger can be important to the survival of the species.

3. True or False – Anger is the same thing is disapproval.

4. True or False – Ladies don’t get angry.

5. True or False – You must release or discharge anger.

(Answers are at the bottom of the page.)

All of us experience anger and that is ok.  What we do, or don’t do, with anger may be the problem.  Anger can be expressed in five basic ways: suppression, open aggression, passive aggression, assertiveness, and dropping it.

Suppression involves holding anger inside in an unhealthy way.  Someone engaging in suppression may try to “put on a good front” or pretend to feel no angry man yelling in ragetension.  Open aggression is taking a stand for personal worth, needs, and/or convictions at someone else’s expense. Open aggression may involve explosiveness, rage, intimidation, blame, bickering, criticism, or sarcasm.

While the name sounds better, passive aggression also occurs at the expense of someone else. It may be quieter and it also causes less personal vulnerability for the angry person.  Assertive anger preserves one’s personal worth, needs, and convictions while considering the needs and feelings of others.  In my opinion this is a true art form.

Finally, dropping your anger is also a possibility. It is possible to accept one’s inability to completely control circumstances and to recognize personal limits. You may realize that the anger is misplaced, ineffective, or out of proportion.

Changing your pattern of angry thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is not easy. Anger often involves so many automatic responses that just unraveling the real issue can be tough.

two goats head butting each otherUnmanaged anger can be an incredibly destructive force.  R. Brayton Bowen, as president of the Howland Group, estimated that there are as many as 18,000 workplace assaults each week.  According to a Yale University study, the main factor in employee rage is a real or imagined slight by a supervisor or manager. Perceived lack of productivity by co-workers, tight deadlines, and heavy workloads were also identified. The study suggested that this underground chronic anger that is present in the workplace affects one-fourth of the working population. Businesses who address workplace stress and teach employees anger management skills find that the company’s bottom line improves based on increased productivity, decreased absenteeism, and reduced medical costs.

Anger doesn’t just impact employees and employers. School-aged children often have not learned effective anger management skills.  A school in Staffordshire has implemented a program designed to prevent the aggressive behaviors commonly recognized in the school system with good results.

Intimate relationships can trigger aggressive responses if anger is not tended to appropriately. Domestic violence, rape, verbal assault, sarcasm, and arguing all stem from anger.  Most people agree that this type of angry behavior is ineffective at best and, at worst destructive.

So what can you do?  First, recognize the source of the anger. When boiled down, it will probably relate to one of these:

  • Interruption of plans or goals
  • Implications of non-compliance
  • Concern about injury
  • Expectations
  • History repeating itself
  • Overload
  • Personal peeves
  • Embarrassment

You see, none of those is really about the other person. They are all about you and how you feel.

Second, take appropriate action, not to make the other person suffer, but to solve the real problem. This may involve more communication, more planning, less mind-reading, and better self-care.

Anger management classes can be extremely effective. Invest some time and effort and sign up for one. Do you work in a pressure-cooker environment? Ask your boss to bring in a consultant to help the entire team deal with anger more effectively.  It would be a win-win situation.  Is your child displaying problems with anger? Take a look at the anger-management role model you may be providing and make the appropriate changes.

(Answers: TTFFF)

What Do You Believe You Are Capable Of?

Jump Ship by Josh Shipp book coverYou may have already read my book review of Jump Ship by Josh Shipp. As I mentioned in that review, the book offers much more than guidance for changing careers. There are many gems hidden in the pages that have potential for profound life-changing “ah ha” moments.  One of them is this question, “What do you believe you are capable of?”

Those 8 words stopped me in my tracks. I re-read them several times.  What do I believe I am capable of? It sounds like a lot of ego, but I have always believed I was capable of great things. There has always been a burning desire to do something big, something that mattered, something remarkable. I honestly don’t know where that came from. I don’t remember being told that I could do something important. Actually, I remember being told from a variety of sources that I wasn’t anything special.  There were those warnings that “pride goeth before a fall”, that I was acting “too big for my britches”, and many other quaint but powerful statements that suggest that “I am not all that.”

I heard them. Believe me, I definitely heard them. And there were times that I didn’t attempt something because I also, on some level, believed them.  Little things, like not being one of the senior superlatives in high school also caused me to question and doubt.  There were many comments and experiences to help balance some of this out. I received many accolades for being smart. My musical spark that never goes outtalent was almost always praised. And boy could I water ski for such a little kid. So while there were individual ups and downs in my confidence level at certain points in my life, that tiny little spark never went out.

It was that tiny spark that has allowed me to continue pushing through the tough times and continue striving for something better. So what do I believe I am capable of? I’m still not sure. Words like “anything” and “almost anything” come to mind but are quickly silenced by the doubts of other people that still ring in my ears. So, I chose to revise the question to “what do I want to be capable of?” That seemed like an easier place to start. In the context of Jump Ship I want to be capable of making a living as an author.

Next in the Jump Ship process is the internal review process. OK, so I want it – but do I BELIEVE IT? That is TBD. After writing and publishing the last two books I have discovered just how much is really involved in becoming an author. It isn’t as simple as just writing some pages of text and voila, you are an author.  My third book has been sitting in the wings, almost complete for more than two years. On my white board over my desk I have written “Authors Must Write” in big bold letters to remind me what I must do to accomplish this.

So my expanded  set of questions includes, “Am I capable of coming up with the ideas, capable of editing, capable of promoting, able to tolerate rejection, and all of the other things that go along with it?”  So far I’ve found that I am certainly better prepared for some of these tasks than others, and I enjoy doing some of these tasks much more than I enjoy others.

I do believe Josh Shipp’s premise that you have to BELIEVE in order to really ACHIEVE your dreams.  So what about you?  What do you believe you are capable of?

The Art of Extreme Self-Care

The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a time by Cheryl Richardson book cover photoThe Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time by Cheryl Richardson is aesthetically pleasing and full of insight.

This is a wonderful book and I have recommended it to many of my clients, friends, and family.  I have read a lot of self-help books.  This is definitely one of the best. I felt like I actually had a “to do” plan at the end of each chapter and I kept post-it notes nearby to flag section that I wanted to go back and re-read because the book was much too beautiful to mark or damage the pages.

Cheryl’s insightful observations and direct questions stimulated several pages of notes for my tapping journal. It looks like I have a lot of work ahead of me, but instead of dread like I often experience while reading this type of book, I am actually excited to do the work.

It has been a while since I read it the first time but have picked it up again.  I am as excited about it now as I was the first time.

Isshin, Mushin, and Zanshin

Image of tree inside glass ballI’m a planner.  In fact, my standard mode of operation has always been to try to anticipate every possible complication or contingency and plan for it.  I’m the classic “if he does this, then I’ll do this” kind of girl.  Since beginning to study the principles of martial arts I’ve been intrigued by the possibility of letting go of such rigid thinking. In theory it sounds like a great idea. In terms of fighting or martial arts it even makes some sense to me.  I had the opportunity to test this a while back in my real life.

The best part of this story for me is….I didn’t pre-plan it. It wasn’t one of those times when I said, “hey I think I’ll see how these principles would work here.”  I was scheduled for a meeting with a lot of different professional people.  In the past these meetings have always felt quite adversarial. I’ve always gone into the meeting wearing my very best power suit and armed to the teeth with copies of the current applicable legal statues, braced for a fight. Typically I would have spent the night before rehearsing in my mind everything that I thought I should say and appropriate responses for any and all objections.

I woke up on the morning of the meeting and had actually forgotten that the meeting was scheduled. I put on a rather feminine (aka “girlie”) dress and went to work. There was only a slight moment of panic when I realized I was deviating from my plan. On the way to the meeting several things happened that weren’t in my game plan, including a change of meeting location and awful traffic. During that drive I reflected briefly on what my desired outcome was and set my intention to reach that goal.

When I arrived in the room I spent a few minutes listening to the mood of the other individuals that had arrived. I paid some attention to the energy that each was giving off. Normally I would have just assumed them all to be hostile. What I found was that most of the people in the room had the same objective that I did. I made a mental note. I also chose to position myself nearest the person who was most likely to be my major opponent. Again, this was in sharp contrast to anything I might have done before.

When my adversary attacked (verbally) I countered. I relied on my previous experience and training to allow me to respond, not some pre-orchestrated response. This worked so well I was amazed. Each time there was a new objection or a diversion I focused again primarily on my objective. I was able to adapt and continue working toward what I believed was the inevitable goal.

The meeting actually went well and my objectives were met. In the past I would have turned tail and literally run away. Instead I stayed and connected with the individuals that were present and made sure that there wouldn’t be any stray items to deal with later.

While all of this was happening I certainly wasn’t thinking of Isshin, Mushin, and Zanshin. It wasn’t until I was driving back to my office that it occurred to me that my meeting is some ways paralleled these principles. I was very excited. While I have studied martial arts principles in the dojo, I was excited to experience the principles in the rest of my world.