communication Archives - Finding the Meaning in Everyday Life

Amplifying The Bad

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I woke up this morning wondering if people amplify the bad in their lives out of habit or for some other reason. What I was noticing is that many people use really dramatic language to describe the annoyances, frustrations, and misfortunes that happen in a day, week, or month. Instead of saying “I didn’t like that” or “that made things harder” I hear about “trauma”, “overwhelmed”, “catastrophe”, or “disaster.” If we use those words for our daily struggles how do we then describe floods, famines, starvation, or wars? I’m not saying that people don’t actually experience trauma or disaster, just that we need to be really selective about how we use the words in order to them to have real meaning.

Before you start calling me bad names or thinking bad things about me, hear me out. If you’ve been following this blog you know that I am a fan of the book 14,000 Things to Be Happy About by Barbara Ann Kipfer. That book prompted a lot of thinking about how what we focus on can change our mood. I’ve been trying to implement that in my life and I can say that I see a big difference in my overall daily outlook. So this morning the importance of the more “negative” descriptors became an interesting topic.

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Neuro-linguistic programming has always been fascinating to me. This school of thought considers that there is a connection between our language, thought processes, emotions, and behaviors. Then, by changing our language it can have an an impact on the other areas. Not everyone buys into this, but I see evidence of it every day. In his book Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life Steven C Hayes devotes an entire chapter to the many ways our language can lead to suffering. It just makes sense.

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Then why would we want to tell ourselves that something is a disaster when it is really uncomfortable, challenging, or time-consuming? If I draw from observations in social media I think it could be that these terms are being normalized there. In addition, the more dramatic our language the more attention or support we think we will get. I don’t mean this as an intentional or conscious decision. I think it happens below our level of awareness most of the time. Lastly, those more dramatic labels may serve to distance ourselves from taking personal responsibility. I can’t be held responsible for managing a “disaster” when I am “overwhelmed,” but if I label it as a challenge or a setback it does seem to have more of an expectation to just deal with it. Again, I believe most of this is subconscious processing.

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Why talk about this at all? Because it is possible to change the way we feel by amplifying the good rather than amplifying the bad. I can use even more positive language when describing the good things in my life. Consider the word “happy.” Synonyms include cheerful, joyful, merry, ecstatic, elated, and enraptured. Say those words out loud. Do they have a different feel to you? Use the words that really elevate the mood. How about the word “satisfied?” Instead you could use pleased, proud, contented, fulfilled, gratified.

Lets stop watering down our positive emotions and stop amplifying the bad. It can change your day in amazing and satisfying and exhilarating ways.

Parla Come Mangi

I was introduced to this Italian idiom through the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I digress just to say that there are many hidden gems in that book. Although a search of the internet suggest some dispute about the actual meaning, both Ms. Gilbert and www.wordsense.eu offer that parla come mangi means speak the way you eat and is an invitation to use simpler and clearer language when speaking.

In my profession I talk to lots of people every day. One of the things I notice is that people make a big deal out of the things they are trying to tell me. They often resort to jargon or labels rather than simply saying what is on their mind or describing a situation. This generally complicates things. Parla come mangi often comes into mind as I listen to them. As in food, simple is often so much better.

When I pause to consider how or why this happens I land upon several possibilities. Perhaps the individual has been shaped to believe that what they have to say is unimportant and so try to use words, expressions, and descriptions that they believe might give their words more weight or importance. Another possible explanation is the saturation of labeling from social media. I have done this before desiring some sort of a short cut. I have also intentionally utilized medical jargon when interacting with other medical professionals to try to prevent them from talking down to me, a sort of elevating my believability if you will. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

I now strive to embrace the concept of parla come mangi in social communication. I also try to model it in in my psychotherapy work. There is much less chance of a chance for misunderstanding when I interact in that manner.

Saying No

“No is a full sentence.” ~ Jessica Ortner

Most people I know struggle with saying no. We often feel that we must give an explanation, particularly if we are giving what seems to be an answer that might upset or disappoint someone. The reality is that NO is a full sentence. It is ok to offer an explanation if you want to. It is less helpful if you feel an explanation is required. Have you ever said yes when you wanted to say no, primarily because you didn’t want to tell someone why you were saying no? I have.

There may be multiple reasons why we are uncomfortable saying no. The first one that pops into my head is the response 2-year-olds get when they say no to adults. I can’t think of a single example when the adult (including me) didn’t immediately ask why. We have been programmed from an early age to explain so that we don’t get in trouble. And that explanation really needed to be a good one. Admittedly, although I’m working on it, I still have a tendency to ask why when someone tells me no. More often than not, but not always, it stems from curiosity rather than entitlement these days.

Offering an excuse or explanation before being asked can be an attempt to do an end run around the potential for conflict. This may include a belief that our reasons are not valid or acceptable, or a belief that other people’s feelings are far more important than our own. Habit? Sometimes low self worth? Often necessary? Not always.

It bears repeating, it is ok to explain a reason if it adds anything to the situation. Let it be purposeful. This requires mindfulness about the situation and one’s own motivations and emotional responses. I don’t really recommend that you walk through your life just saying no. Life is often more fulfilling if you say yes frequently. I do recommend that you begin to say no without explanation to people that you are not really close to since they won’t have any real expectations about how you generally operate. When this gets more comfortable try some people that know you well, but that you feel safe with. Notice what happens.

Why is this important? It is important since it contributes to a strong sense of self worth and confidence that will enhance how you interact with the world and other people. Go ahead. Get in touch with your inner toddler. NO!