Finding the Meaning in Everyday Life

Judge Less and Listen More

The tapping exercise below also comes from my study of the Tao Te Ching.

Setup (while tapping karate chop point): I have a tendency to make snap judgments about people, places, events, circumstances – really, just about everything. Even when I take the time to think about things, I’m still making judgments. I often pride myself on being a good listener, but I even make judgments about what I expect other people to say. I sometimes start thinking about how I want to respond to what people are saying before they even finish saying it. That is a definite clue that I’m not really listening. Even though I have this tendency to judge, I choose to move toward judging less. Even though I often fail to really listen to other people, I choose to move toward listening more. Even though I have a tendency to judge and a tendency not to really listen, I choose to judge less and listen more.

Eyebrow…I am a very judgmental person

Side of Eye…That doesn’t feel like a very flattering statement

Under the Eye…I can hardly admit that to myself

Under the Nose…I certainly don’t want to admit that to anyone else either

Chin…Even the statement that something is good is a judgment

Collarbone…My need to evaluate or judge things is a sign of my resistance to just experiencing life as it comes

Under the Arm…It sounds to zen to say that there is no good or no bad – there just is

Top of Head…I’m not at a place where I really believe that

Eyebrow…I am open to learning to judge less

Side of Eye…I am open to believing that I could experience more of life without adding judgments about whatever is happening

Under the Eye…I may not be as good a listener as I would like to think

Under the Nose…I get caught up in my own thoughts and fail to really listen to the thoughts of others

Chin…If I am not listening to them – I’m still in my own reality

Collarbone…That means I can’t really understand where they are coming from

Under the Arm…I choose to listen more

Top of Head…I am excited to see where these choices will lead me

9-Gamut

The 9-Gamut is a great procedure to add to your regular tapping. When I first learned to tap (many years ago) the 9-gamut was always included. Now it doesn’t seem to be very common, but I still find it useful. Fair warning: it looks really weird. This was always the hardest part to get people to do and it is such a shame. If you can roll your eyes (I bet you can do that), hum a tune, and count to 5 you can do this. Keep an open mind and give it a try.

It Doesn’t Always Need a Label

I have posted quite a few tapping examples lately that were based on my reading of the Tao Te Ching. I was inspired to delve into the Tao Te Ching after reading Dr. Wayne Dyer’s book Change Your Thoughts-Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao. His discussion of each of the verses has been very meaningful to me. Considering the magnitude of change that embracing these lessons could bring caused me to start tapping while reading just to manage the anxiety. Here is another tapping example. I welcome your comments and questions and hope you will share your experiences.

Setup (while tapping the karate chop point): According to Wayne Dyer’s advice we should practice letting go of always naming and labeling. This advice makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’m really good at naming and labeling. Naming and labeling is the way that I manage my life and my world. I cannot imagine what life would be like without the names and labels. While on one level I know that the names and labels don’t really define the thing, and that those names and labels really only define me – they make me feel safe and secure. In spite of this very, very, very, very strong tendency to name and label, I want to be open to experiencing the world without those names and labels.

Eyebrow…Names and labels

Side of Eye…I love them

Under the Eye…The idea that the names and labels may really limit my experience of the world isn’t new

Under the Nose..Even Shakespeare in Romeo and Juliet makes reference to that fact when discussing the rose

Chin…I just can’t imaging what it would be like to experience something without a name or label

Collarbone…That’s probably not true

Under the Arm…I experience things all of the time without names and labels

Top of Head…I usually tend to call it anxiety

Eyebrow…I call that out of control

Side of Eye…Or I make the judgment in response that I must be stupid because I cannot name or label it

Under the Eye…The Tao suggests that names and labels aren’t really necessary in order to experience the world

Under the Nose…The Tao also suggests that my need to label and name may stem from my inability to accept the mystery

Chin…So true!

Collarbone…The word mystery is very much like the word surprise to me

Under the Arm…Very scary stuff

Top of Head…I want to be open to the possibility that I could do it differently

Eyebrow…Maybe I could use my senses to understand something before jumping to the name

Side of Eye…I could lose myself in the fragrance or color of a flower before giving it a name

Under the Eye…I want to experience being in the presence of a butterfly without knowing what kind it is

Under the Nose…I suspect that once I name it I really stop experiencing it

Chin…It is exciting to think that my experiences could be more intense and more real than ever before

Collarbone…I commit myself to more experiencing

Under the Arm…I commit myself to letting go of my need for instant names and labels

Top of Head…I commit myself to considering the mystery

They Had Bread

This is a very old article (at least 7 years) but when I found it today it made me so happy that I decided to re-post.

It is hard to believe how much excitement I felt as a result of the opportunity to have bread with my meal. For those of you who don’t know, I have been living gluten-free for about a year now. While I never “cheat” on purpose, eating out in restaurants is always a gamble for me.

Last week I had lunch with my son and his fiance at the Biltmore Estate in North Carolina. While the website said there were gluten-free options, and I had consumed a magnificent meal there on Thanksgiving, I still expected to have very limited choices. I looked longingly at the regular menu and then let our server know that I would need gluten-free options. She said she would be right back with a gluten-free menu. One star for that?

The gluten-free menu was in my hands within a few minutes and I was thrilled to see that almost everything on the regular menu was also available to me. I could have the herbed chicken or the barbecue. I was so excited. Two Stars!! Then she said that if I wanted one of the sandwiches from the regular menu just to know and they would put it on gluten-free bread for me. Gluten free bread? I don’t think I have been to a restaurant yet that actually had gluten-free bread. Four Stars!!. I actually chose a meal that did not include bread, but just knowing that I had the option was amazing.

I chose to split a sampler platter for two with my son. He wanted to substitute french fried for the collard greens. The server said that the substitution would be fine, but cautioned that the fries would be cooked in the same oil as gluten foods so would not be safe. We got them on a separate plate so my food wouldn’t be contaminated and he was quite happy. Five Stars!!! A server who really got it.

After lunch we were interested in dessert, because it would be yummy and because I had a buy one get one free coupon. Alas, none of the desserts looked to be gluten-free. Once again, my server saved the day, checked with the kitchen, and brought me the most delicious chocolate pudding I think I have ever had. Can I give Six Stars?

For the first time since starting this gluten-free adventure I felt like I had a dining experience that was equal to every one else. Thank you Biltmore Stable Cafe for making me feel welcome and NORMAL.

Since the time of the first publication of this article there seems to be an increased awareness of gluten-free eating, but it still is usually treated as a preference rather than a necessity and many restaurants offer one or two possibilities rather than a full menu. Whenever I go out to eat (which is rare) and encounter a restaurant that can work with my food issues (more than just gluten) I am again filled with the same sense of wonder, awe, and gratitude that I experienced that day at Biltmore.

It Is Not Their Fault

I have posted about this general theme before, but I have had more reminders about the topic recently. I was definitely resistant to this belief when I was a young parent, but there really is quite a bit of evidence that adults are responsible (at least partly) for the behavior problems of children.

I often hear teachers complain that children are disrespectful in the classroom. They talk when the teacher is trying to lecture. Every week I am exposed to adults that continue to talk while the pastor is leading the congregation in prayer, when the choir director is giving instructions, and when my boss is trying to lead a staff meeting. My first thought is “how rude”. My second thought is “it is no wonder that our kids behave the way they do.”

I’m not coming to this topic from a position of sainthood. I can be rude, thoughtless, and careless too. My parenting practices have not always been stellar. I’ve talked negatively about my children’s teachers, gossiped about people, talked down to others, and failed to take action when I probably should have. I’ve also done all of those things under the close scrutiny of my children. This is a fact that I am certainly not proud of. Hopefully they didn’t see this as my primary mode of dealing with the world.

In our media-driven society they also had quite a few other unsavory models for adult behavior. On television children who are sassy, rude, and break rules are everywhere and that behavior appears to be acceptable. With that sort of modeling, I have to say that it isn’t the kids’ fault that they are exhibiting so many behavior issues.

While I firmly believe in therapy and medication for children with psychological and behavioral problems, I also believe that such measures are not likely to ever be enough if the adults that children are exposed to can’t learn to control themselves. If we want caring children, we must be caring adults. If we want respectful children, we must be respectful adults. This is more than superficial respect. Children are smart enough to know the difference. It is not enough to act, we must be smart, respectful, caring, or whatever we desire for them to be.

I am fully aware that some children have problems that are not the direct result of parenting practices. Some children have brain abnormalities that also contribute. As I mentioned earlier, our children have many role models other than parents. As children get older they also have an increased share of responsibility for their own choices. However, on a societal level I stand by my assertion that the adults are responsible for much of the state of our youth today and we must do something about it.

Over the next few months I hope to offer some suggestions about how to turn this around in your own home, church, neighborhood, or more globally? Any suggestions?

Breaking the Rules

Today I broke the rules. Some people might not think that this is too serious. I didn’t break any laws. I didn’t cheat at any games. I ate pasta for dinner. I’m sure it doesn’t seem like much to you, but to me it is quite disappointing. When it comes to my food, I don’t like breaking the rules.

Rule #1. Don’t eat when you aren’t hungry. I had a snack earlier. I drove toward town and stopped at my favorite Italian restaurant and ordered gluten free pasta. Its a great place where they really understand my allergies and cook off-menu for me. My motivation…I was tired of eating salad, felt frazzled from work, and just wanted some relief.

Rule #2. Don’t eat any starchy carbs after 5 pm. I know that eating late in the evening is bad for me, so I load most of my calories before 5, and try to eat raw fruit and veggies in the evening if I’m hungry. This was definitely a plate of starchy carbs, and there were very few vegetables involved.

Rule #3. Drink a full glass of water before eating meals. I didn’t drink any water at all, and none before the meal. I already know that thirst wasn’t what was driving my behavior, but it might have helped me to slow down. If there had been a video camera on me I bet I would have seen myself actually shoveling the food in.

Rule #4. Use tapping before eating anything that isn’t on my meal plan. I want to know that I’ve dealt with my emotional baggage BEFORE reaching for food. No tapping before this meal.

These aren’t rules given to me by anyone else. These were my own rules and I couldn’t – or wouldn’t – follow them. Luckily I get a redo tomorrow. I’m not going to spend a lot of time beating myself up for it. One meal of pasta isn’t a disaster but I do know that it is sometimes hard for me to get back on track after starchy carbs.

Here are the tapping topics I see in my very near future:

stress eating
resistance to following my plan
using food for emotions instead of eating for fuel
forgiveness for being an imperfect human

How about you? Did you have challenges with food today? Did you stumble or overcome them? Did you tap?

I Don’t Have Time to Exercise

“I don’t have time to exercise.” I say these words a lot. I’m a very busy person. Intellectually I know that what I mean is that I don’t have time that I want to allocate to exercise, but the feeling that I don’t have time is quite real. Tap along with the exercise and see what comes up for you.

Setup (tapping on karate chop point): I don’t have time to exercise. I’m a very busy person. Where would I find the time? I have way too many things to do so I don’t think I really have the time to exercise. In spite of all my excuses about time to exercise, I choose to love and accept myself anyway. Even though I have an amazing number of excuses about why I don’t have time to exercise, I honor that part of me that knows that I really do.

Eyebrow…I don’t have time to exercise

Side of Eye…Sometimes that feels really true

Under the Eye…Sometimes I know it is just an excuse

Under the Nose…I AM really busy

Chin…I have a lot on my plate

Collarbone…Other people rely upon me to get things done

Under the Arm…I often feel overwhelmed with all I have to do

Top of Head…Lets face it, adding exercise to the mix seems pretty daunting

Eyebrow…At the very least it could be quite inconvenient

Side of Eye…I don’t know how I would fit it into my day

Under the Eye…What other things would I have to give up?

Under the Nose…If I get other people to do their own stuff I could probably find some time to exercise

Chin…But that will mean conflict

Collarbone…If I asked for help with some of my own stuff I probably could find some time to exercise

Under the Arm…But asking for help is hard

Top of Head…I realize that I don’t have to do it all at once

Eyebrow…I could do a little bit at a time

Side of Eye…Like just parking one spot farther out in the parking lot

Under the Eye…If I really wanted to exercise

Under the Nose…I could be creative in my scheduling

Chin…The first step is deciding that I really want to do this

Collarbone…Then I can decide what exercise or exercises I want to do

Under the Arm…I might be fun to take a class

Top of Head…And learn something new

Eyebrow…I could get the whole family involved some of the time

Side of Eye…Or I could have this as “me time”

Under the Eye…It feels somewhat good to thing about doing this for myself

Under the Nose…I have the same amount of time each day

Chin…That everyone else does

Collarbone…It is up to me to decide how to use it

Under the Arm…I will have to make some choices

Top of Head….Making me a priority

Deeply Ashamed

This is a tapping exercise that I first used in 2011. It pains me to tell you, but it was true again this week. I am once again deeply ashamed of how out of control I am about food. In my own defense, it isn’t always true, but some things have obviously changed in my life and another aspect has clearly shown up, so I’m bringing this one back — for me. Hopefully it will be beneficial for you too.

I have gained a little clarity about why the problem has returned. I’ve noticed that the time right after work is the most perilous for me and I don’t have the same problem on the weekends usually. There seems to be something about my lack of control with my job and my lack of control with food. (We will likely address that in a tapping video very soon.

The Setup (tapping on the karate chop point). I am so ashamed of my inability to control my eating. Even when I am eating, my brain and inner self often tell me to stop. But I am out of control. Something takes over and I just keep eating and eating and eating. In spite of being like an out of control animal about food, I want to let go of the shame and guilt about this situation. Even though I have shame and guilt about my eating habits at times, I am trying to learn new skills and new ways of relating to food. I get out of control around food and I am ashamed of my lack of control. Even with this “character flaw” of mine, I choose to take baby steps to regain a healthier way of eating and living with food (although I’d definitely be ok with giant steps too.)

Eyebrow…I am ashamed of my eating

Side of Eye…I am often out of control

Under the Eye…I should be able to control my eating better

Under the Nose…I should be able to control myself better

Chin…Its not like I don’t know any better

Collarbone…I blame myself for this

Under the Arm…I am supposed to be a smart person

Top of Head…Obviously Not!!!

Eyebrow…Other people would be appalled if they really knew how I am with food

Side of Eye…I am so ashamed of myself

Under the Eye…I’m not really out of control all of the time

Under the Nose…Just some of the time

Chin…But I am ashamed all of the time

Collarbone…That doesn’t make sense

Under the Arm…I don’t want to be out of control

Top of Head…I don’t want to feel so much guilt and shame either

Eyebrow…I wonder if there might be something about this that I could change

Side of Eye…I wonder if there is a way I could be more mindful about my eating

Under the Eye…I wonder if there is a way to be more gentle with myself

Under the Nose…Feeling out of control is scary

Chin…Guilt and shame are awful

Collarbone…I would like to feel a little bit better about myself

Under the Arm…I could probably let go of these feelings, at least sometimes

Top of Head…I can control myself when I eat salad

Eyebrow…I can control myself when I eat vegetables

Under the Eye…There’s no reason to feel guilt and shame there

Under the Nose…I can control myself when I eat apples

Chin…Another reason to reject guilt and shame

Collarbone…I may have a bad habit of guilt and shame

Under the Arm…I choose to stop beating myself up when it isn’t appropriate

Top of Head…I choose to love myself into better health

Don’t Try – Do! Another Lesson from the Tao Te Ching

While the message Don’t Try – Do! may be more recently associated with my little green guru Yoda, it is also a lesson from the Tao Te Ching. It is also a lesson I have struggled with, although intellectually whole-heartedly support.

Setup (while tapping on the karate chop point): I have a tendency to say I’ll try things. I was taught that I should always be open to trying. That was supposed to help me find the courage to do things that I might think I could to. Unfortunately, saying I’m going to try seems to also set me up for failure at times. I am open to just doing things to whatever level or ability I can at that time and accepting the result – whatever it is. Even though I tend to think in terms of success and failure, I am open to learning a new way of being. Even though trying feels more comfortable to me than doing, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I am aware that this is a lesson I haven’t quite mastered in the past, I love and accept myself fully.

Eyebrow…The words I use may be holding me back

Side of Eye…It seems like saying that I’ll try something should be a good thing

Under the Eye…But that attitude may be limiting me in some ways

Under the Nose…When I say I’ll try, I instantly insert the possibility for failure in my life

Chin…I am open to learning a new way to choose the events of my life

Collarbone…I wonder how things could be different if I just do things instead of trying

Under the Arm…I choose to use words that open up possibilities

Top of Head…The attitude of trying can sometimes help me avoid commitment

Eyebrow…The attitude of trying can sometimes help me avoid responsibility

Side of Eye…The attitude of trying can sometimes help me avoid the possibility of failure

Under the Eye…Well — not really

Under the Nose…I am open to redefining failure

Chin…I am open to redefining responsibility

Collarbone…I am open to redefining commitment

Under the Arm…These are all constructs that I have previously accepted as real

Top of Head…Perhaps there is another way to view the world

Eyebrow…I am open to clarity

Side of Eye…I am open to being less tentative about things I choose to do

Under the Eye…I am open to doing

Under the Nose…When I wake up in the morning – I am doing

Chin…When I eat – I am doing

Collarbone…When I go to bed — I am doing

Under the Arm…In all that I face today – I want to do

Top of Head…Trying is in the past. Now I will do.

There May Not Be a Right or Wrong

There may not be a right or wrong. I’ve been exposed to this concept before and have certainly used it in psychotherapy more than once when encountering someone’s rigid beliefs. Honestly, this is a concept that I often struggle with and I have a marked tendency to see things in terms of right and wrong. It requires a conscious decision to see things any other way.

The second verse of the Tao Te Ching addresses the duality of the world. I understand that I can see beauty because I see ugly and that there is no old without also knowing the existence of young. I have trouble handling things when what seems to be polar opposites exist side by side. I have even more trouble handling it when directly pertains to me. If I do something that I label as wrong, I’m all bad. If I do something that I label as great, I lose sight of other parts of me that might not be as great.

I am trying to embrace the duality of life more often. I’ve been wrestling with the inadequacy of the labels “right” and “wrong” for a long time now. Below is a tapping exercise to help better understand my struggle. I hope you tap along.

Setup (while tapping on the karate chop point): Even though I tend to think in terms of right and wrong, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I struggle with dichotomous interpretations of the world, I am open to having an easier time with this. Even though I have blocks to really accepting the new way of seeing the world in my life, I choose to embrace my willingness to change and accept all of me along the journey.

Eyebrow…Life without sadness means life without joy

Side of Eye…Life without illness means life without health

Under the Eye…Life without tragedy means life without victory

Under the Nose…Life without frustration means life without satisfaction

Chin…I’m afraid to embrace the entire human experience

Collarbone…I really prefer only the thing that I label as good

Under the Arm…The rest really scares me

Top of Head…I can’t quite wrap my head around the whole thing

Eyebrow…A part of me wants to get it

Side of Eye…And another part of me doesn’t

Under the Eye…That is just another example of the duality of the world

Under the Nose…I guess I can’t fully understand the concept of approach

Chin…If I don’t also recognize my own feeling of avoid

Collarbone…I’m not sure how this really plays out in my daily life

Under the Arm…I look forward to those moments when I feel like I really get it

Top of Head…And I guess I need to look forward to the moments where I don’t too. That is the duality of life.